i treat myself with a scoop of Haagen Dazs’ Dulce de Leche with tremendous guilt with a horrendous image in my mind me 50 pounds heavier / i gag in disgust / i order my meal a careful ordeal a very hard conscious decision to be or not to be good / a walking calculator i am of the caloric intake / i read every nutritional label as my prayer to find ways to burn to salvage myself from my mass self-destruction / i read every how-to-lose-weight article like my bible and desperately pray for a miraculous reincarnation / marvelous it seems to me to be a size zero the Barbie dolls that cover the Vogues and Elles my mind so twisted
every occurrence of indulgence is a sinful act and I bathe in my own blood of self-hatred / force myself 3 knuckles deep i choke myself to free myself from the self-perpetuating guilt / self-fulfilling prophecy a relentless addiction smoke high off the negative numerical value of the difference between yesterday and today or even earlier today and now / even just a single decimal pound can be an ounce closer to happiness
but you have no clue
you joke about my baby fat pinch my sides out of endearment but you have no idea the consequences i pay for your mere lack of sensitivity / like a mantra that keeps haunting me day and night / unforgiving unrelenting these voices your voices so critical so judgmental that lives in my deep subconscious that’s transgressed to become my own / a vicious cycle of constant self-punishment as you make stupid remarks as you admire the face and body of some starving model or stare at some bony-ass across the street / you insult my womanhood but I do not have the dignity to believe otherwise and continue to suffer from my lack of self-respect
