a journey beyond those trespassing nights | 7.04

slowly losing grasp of this paradoxical paradigm
sifting through time
leisurely falling
like a free-floating white feather
visions blurry as hazy moonlight moves in disguise
as the wind travels to fondle the sea
with smooth undulation of infinite ripples
like how your fingerprints
carefully trace all surface
forming a constellation
of you on me
from thumb to toe
from neck to navel
through carnal contours of arcs and curves
as you memorize the subtleties of my existence
mesmerize over nuance of mystery and incongruency
and you fold me warm me within soft echoes of your mind
sweet sands of imagination
slowly dissolving
in the midst of mystifying heat
as you absorb sultry beads of fantasized fascinations
permeate to shapeline dimension of sensual reality
like an out-of-body experience
swiftly moving within stillness of invigorating affection
to taste personified epitome of mutual attraction
this…all this
so surreal to you
unreal to me
but

I still feel your resonance
even now

wannaluvya | 4.26.04

this is pretty amazing / how you got me at hello at first glance / somehow caught my love-handle like a lost butterfly floating in space / solar system got me revolving around you praising you as my sun / son, I hold my breath as I wait another week just to breathe in your flow and out goes my mind to race you to chase you to me / only grow closer through those profound words gently placed in my ear / but I know it’s not ‘to’ me only ‘at’ me / as you share bare your heart with room full of stranged people / I salute you / I feel like I know you but you don’t even know my name / this story sounds too familiar it’s all one of the same / infatuation never-ending in its pursuit ‘cause I’m just too shy to walk up to you / and I blush as I wish to be your brother your mother much rather your lover / but really any other just to meet with intimate greetings of hi’s and good-bye’s / all I want is a chance to taste your words / eat your similies to be your poetry / it’s as simple as that / as implicit as this / see, every Tuesday nights, around eight I feel a little antsy just thinking about being in the same room with you / by nine my state of mind is crazed with debate of whether I’m gonna get a chance to exchange a word or two with you / as you stand on stage I gage all my attention onto you as I relate to every page of rhythmic lexis / wanting all of you to seductively sedate all of me / conjugating you and I as a pair as we / got me wondering whether you care to get to know me or not / do you?

a man like you got me tongue-tied in a love knot / but I’ve got no strings to pull ‘cause I don’t like to play games / I know this is a long shot but I’m no ordinary girl / I’m gifted than most chicks play ball better than most dicks / even make a jump shot or two over your head but shoot / how can I get across this case to you / sitting pretty in the front row here with my polka dot skirt / I wonder if you’ll ever notice I wore my favorite scent today / at the end of the night I sigh and stand around in the parking lot to cheat another look ‘cause your beautiful face will be the visual space that’ll fall perfectly in place to say good night / now feeling a little bit out of place I resort to living momentarily in my imaginary place / I trace your eyes to retrace what you see / hold your mind in place to read what you know / follow your poetic line of thought to fill my hollow state of mind / ‘cause I wanna know you inside and out / so, will you be my constellation of shooting stars as I stare up high at the sky and prayfully wish for one lasting kiss?

almost forgot this soft spot of mine was still soft / thought it was tarred and hard / these cigarette burns burned every part of my face / only to smirk and fear the opposite sex / those ingénued genuine words used to confuse me / misplacing all my love in all the wrong places / I may be a casualty of phened addicts looking for a quick fix / but you’re the enlightenment at the end of this abstinent tunnel / I’ve neglected living in the fast lane fasting from sexual feast / I’m not up for casual sex / I’m not about to compromise my endeavors forever be sorry for just one night of straight fucking ‘cause I wanna rock to the smooth making of love / so, can I be straight-forward with you / aim straight to your heart and claim and tame you as mine / do you mind? / sorry if this is starting to sound lame but this isn’t just another love poem / I want to frame us forever til death do us part / I know lately more people divorce than stay together / but I don’t believe in statistics ‘cause I’m not part of the ordinary / I will beat the odds and be the odd one / ordinarily I’m a pessimist but you’ve got me optimistically dreaming about you / you rekindle the faith that there are still decent men out there / and I look at you and I guess I want that to be you / I know I’m getting ahead of myself speaking in riddles / lovesick is bliss / is it too much to ask? / I just wanna take the time to find you out / know you and be yours / but the question is, do you care to find me out, know me and be mine? / do you?

sinking inkling | 8.13.03

I’m starting to have this sinking inkling that your feelings are starting to dwindle / no longer like my twinkle twinkle little star that shines so brightly even in the morning sun or like the colorful sweet indulging sprinkles on my favorite ice cream / just like a red rose so beautiful like a miracle blossoming as the velvety petals bloom in the sun before your eyes ‘til one day in a flashing second in the most vulnerable moment you find her all bent and wrinkled / why do I feel you shrinking away ever so slightly every day / has the breath of promiscuity allured you away / a scenting hint of something better lead you astray / I just don’t know…all I feel is all I know, this feeling I get in my stomach like you caught and took all our butterflies away…

YOU | 7.23.02

I listen to Bocelli / I start to reminisce in the midst of all this so silly I cannot wipe the smile off my face / trace of your laughter only to capture a moment of bliss / miss your presence beside me but it’s funny / I don’t know you that well that long / feel so wrong without you so right when I’m with you / so anxious to see you so eager to know you / I need to be cautious though / all I know all you show a veiled one-sided lopsided side of you / your charm may just be a part of your scheme / keen to tease me into believing that you’re that type of guy sensible and responsible / that type of guy that’s so easy going & understanding so loving & endearing willing to go out on a limb for me / who knows I may never know / but I’m biased to see a glimpse of a hint / can’t help but to notice witness a warm sensitive gentle side of you you so subtly expose / I am drawn to you / you inspire me to write / to express these lyrical feelings transpire to travel not only in my mind but across to you to where you are / transpose past these pages / communicate enunciate these images & words that come to mind only to find that all this may just be a dream / hallucination infatuation has grabbed me from all my reason / ceasing this moment / living in this moment / being swept off my feet by this seasonal breeze weep to hope that this will turn into something / that it won’t be just another fling / mingling to ease the feeling of loneliness / avoiding the lonesomeness / the silence in isolation in your shelter of seclusion / but this tingling sensation is proof that this is no other typical relation / it’s extraordinary in its quality to heighten my senses / frightened to find out where this may end where I may end up / but I will never know until I allow myself to follow my instinct / distinct in its wave of intense stimulation / revelation to feel the motivation to dive & fall through the sky with the risk of dying / sighing as facts reveal the possible highly likely conclusion / a nuisance I may become as time fades out the color in me / buying into my fears nigh on me dawn on me that this may never be what I wish it to be / stripped of all my notion / oceans of dreams drained & tainted only to be filtered through common sense / saturated with safety / find refuge in my own walls of protection so high to keep away not only strangers, betrayers, traitors & abusers / sorry I do not mean to offend you but my past alert me so fast to stay away from men who do not respect me / who will define me to confine me and set limitations on me to deny & despise my aspirations & independence / who will not see me nor take the time to feel me / to find the true treasure hidden deep inside me / only for that special unusual exceptional one / with patience & persistence perseverance & intelligence / a beautiful mind that can see not only with the eye surpass the systematic judgmental process such nonsense / the charismatic ability to phenomenally transcend sense to the sixth degree / to stare & glare past & beyond the present & future the surface the reflection / with inclination desperate determination to find a jewel only you can find in me / that one may just be you

i treat myself | 2002

i treat myself with a scoop of Haagen Dazs’ Dulce de Leche with tremendous guilt with a horrendous image in my mind me 50 pounds heavier / i gag in disgust / i order my meal a careful ordeal a very hard conscious decision to be or not to be good / a walking calculator i am of the caloric intake / i read every nutritional label as my prayer to find ways to burn to salvage myself from my mass self-destruction / i read every how-to-lose-weight article like my bible and desperately pray for a miraculous reincarnation / marvelous it seems to me to be a size zero the Barbie dolls that cover the Vogues and Elles my mind so twisted

every occurrence of indulgence is a sinful act and I bathe in my own blood of self-hatred / force myself 3 knuckles deep i choke myself to free myself from the self-perpetuating guilt / self-fulfilling prophecy a relentless addiction smoke high off the negative numerical value of the difference between yesterday and today or even earlier today and now / even just a single decimal pound can be an ounce closer to happiness

but you have no clue

you joke about my baby fat pinch my sides out of endearment but you have no idea the consequences i pay for your mere lack of sensitivity / like a mantra that keeps haunting me day and night / unforgiving unrelenting these voices your voices so critical so judgmental that lives in my deep subconscious that’s transgressed to become my own / a vicious cycle of constant self-punishment as you make stupid remarks as you admire the face and body of some starving model or stare at some bony-ass across the street / you insult my womanhood but I do not have the dignity to believe otherwise and continue to suffer from my lack of self-respect