my oath

I will
no longer snooze
on my pen.

Firmly Planted and Growing

Our love is alive, adaptive in its element, constant in its existence. We, as the sea, have surged back and forth, swelling and falling, at times violent, at times uneven, always cerulean pure, with forceful momentum to rise above rocky coasts. We have had our share of pitfalls, each sucked into a crevice. We have been pressured to stay frozen by paralyzing winters of fear, by the decency of what we convinced ourselves to be. Yet, we have always survived, almost miraculously, to melt those icicles away, spring forth the lost blossoms, each time stronger than before, having evolved instinctively to withstand ruthless natural selection. We have learned to stay grounded, tend to our roots, eavesdrop on every whisper of dew; now we stand firmly planted and growing, flowing boundless in our reach, showering light in each void of pause, each cave of doubt, each rift of twinge. No longer afraid of being perceived as unconscionable, repulsive, even pathetic. No longer afraid the brutal truths will break us. Ironically, we have learned that exposing our vulnerability is courage. Once naked, defenseless in our bare intimacy, we empower our love ever more. Bravery is neither the absence nor suppression of tears or flaws but the joint celebration of our beautiful fragility, which makes us human. We have mutually decided rather to live, to share our life blooming in nature, unprotected from wilderness, unfolding our sentient minds, even in the terror of hailstorms and meteors, than to deny our profundity with a lie, soothed only by logic, by reason, by what can be touched. No wonder then, is my family at odds with this decision. My family, creatures of habit, who not only see what is near but fear what is out of their hands’ reach, who are soothed by the repetition of nature yet fail to see the beauty and necessity of change, of evolving, or maybe choosing to be blind, stunting their own growth for they fear what they do not know. Like the truncated stump of a tree, they exult in their flatness, their convinced usefulness for others, their island of security, their safety from changing times. Unbeknownst to them, they are no longer living, and only merely existing. What a shame, our world is that much more sparse without the majestic tree only they hold the potential to be, our world now missing a touch of radiance.

I
am
in
process

I’ve just closed my eyes

Raw Exploration

I’ve just closed my eyes so I can’t check my typing and just type as fast as I can to catch up with my thoughts. I want to write, write as well as I possibly can. I miss Mama. I think about her, especially on this day. My birthday. I want to hear her voice. I know she is far away and not only in the physical sense. But I want to feel closer to her now. I want to feel her close to me. Because I just miss her so much. I miss all that we’ve shared. I miss her touch. I miss her hands on me. I miss seeing her earnest smile. I want to see her. I want to call her right now. I want to make her want to call me. I want to make her call me. Mama. We’re so different but so similar. I was thinking earlier today that I got her soft, tender heart. It is from her I learned to love and give myself completely to loved ones. To never question the good of people. To trust. I learned from her to live in my heart.

It’s my birthday

Raw Exploration

It’s my birthday. It’s my birthday. I smile a big smile. Biggest I’ve ever smiled. It hurts. Only because I’m happy. I’m just so proud to be able to welcome and rejoice this day with the woman that I am. How far I’ve come and how long this journey has taken. Long and winding paths, never really knowing where I was headed. Only dreaming of where I’d be and look where I am now. I am just excited about my life right now and where it will take me. It can only get better. I want to stop thinking so hard about what I’m going to type and let my words flow. What an amazing bottle of wine. I love the name: North Star. I have to keep writing and not stop. I don’t know what I’m writing. I want to let my thoughts flow and be fluid with my body.

Tomorrow is my 31st birthday

Raw Exploration

Tomorrow is my 31st birthday. This b-day eve has been amazing in so many ways. My writing. Our talks. Dinner with Rachel at Metro Café. Sabrina Ward Harrison’s book with her signature addressed to me. What a perfect gift. She knows me so well and I’m so lucky to have such a thoughtful friend. “Trust the mess. Bless the mess. Give yourself permission.” Sabrina’s messages Rachel shared with me. I think I’ve decided to take Sabrina’s class. I’ll sign up tomorrow, on my birthday. I could not be as ready for this than now. To explore and venture off with my art. As an artist, not necessarily as a writer. I believe it will be yet another growing, stretching of me, beyond anything I can imagine. I think it’s almost necessary for me to do this, NOW. I am so excited about my birthday tomorrow, so excited especially to celebrate it with me, the me that I so love and am proud of now. And celebrate this me with my Timmyso(u)love. Today is a full moon. Full luna. I feel full. I am full. Not just today. But Every Day. We always find our own ways to live in truth and love with truth. Most of the time, in unconventional ways. I love that about us. We create our own rules…no, not rules actually; we create. We just Be. I love this place of me. Of us. Of a we with an amazing future. A life forever. This feeling, like a river, so fluid, so peace-full. I am finally able to flowglow in this fountain of love for me. For us. For a we to come.
31 years of incredible life experiences. It feels good to be able to honestly say and mean it: “I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. I would want or have it NO OTHER WAY.” I feel perfect in my imperfections. They are my scarred treasures, my gems. Sacred in its own crooked little beauty. I am thank-full for all that I am. Thank you for my health and safety to celebrate my life of 31 years. 31. Once so fragile, now so resilient to face and embrace all that makes me ME. All that makes me a soul-full being. Good Night. Sweet dreams. Happy Almost B-day. I love.

Naoluna 菜穂月

my oath

I will
no longer sleep
on my pen.

my oath

I will
no longer sit
on my pen.

Our minds, our memories…

Our minds, our memories, work in convenient ways. Pain fades over time and we’re left only with the faint idea of what we’ve done. With occasional flashbacks. So quick, it passes us by in a blink unless we are aware, wanting to catch it.  Explore it. Rip it open. Back to the pain.

inconvenient truths

inconvenient truths

shift out of focus

through a lens of false convictions